Top 99 Chevy Chase Rant Quotes From Christmas Vacation

Get ready to celebrate the hilariously relatable rant from Chevy Chase in Christmas Vacation with these top 99 quotes and 10 tips for a festive event!

“Why is the carpet all wet, Todd?”
“I don’t know, Margot!”
“Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?”
“We’re at the threshold of hell.”
“Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where’s the Tylenol?”
“I’m sorry, this is our family’s first kidnapping.”
“You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.”
“If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.”
“It’s a funny, squeaky sound.”
“I simply solved the problem.”
“Can’t see the line, can you Russ?”
“Bend over and I’ll show ya.”
“Worse? How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We’re at the threshold of hell.”
“I’m gonna catch it in the coat, and smack it with a hammer.”
“I’m not the one who’s red-faced.”
“Now we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*cking Kaye.”
“I don’t want to spend the holidays dead!”
“We’re gonna have to glue him back together.”
“Is your house on fire, Clark?”
“I don’t want to hear another word out of you while we’re in this airport. Clear?”
“Honey, I’m not an ordained minister.”
“Hey kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa’s sleigh on its way in from New York City.”
“That’s the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.”
“Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together.”
“I can’t believe you’re standing here in my living room, Eddie.”
“You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.”
“I’m sorry, this is our family’s first kidnapping.”
“The little lights aren’t twinkling, Clark.”
“I’m gonna go wash up before dinner. I suggest you do the same.”
“Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.”
“Don’t throw me down, Clark.”
“Why don’t you just ask him for the money, Eddie?”
“I think you’re forgetting how difficult it can be to get a reservation at Dorsia.”
“Oh, the silent majesty of a winter’s morn, the clean, cool chill of the holiday air, and an a*shole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.”
“This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here.”
“She wrapped up her damn cat.”
“I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.”
“Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?”
“Better take a rain check on that, Art. He’s got a lip fungus they ain’t identified yet.”
“I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.”
“I don’t know if I ought to go sailin’ down no hill with nothin’ between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.”
“We’re all gonna have so much f*cking fun we’ll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles.”
“I’m gonna catch it in the coat, and smack it with a hammer.”
“I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.”
“I don’t know if I ought to go sailin’ down no hill with nothin’ between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.”
“We’re all gonna have so much f*cking fun we’ll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles.”
“I’m gonna catch it in the coat, and smack it with a hammer.”
“You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.”
“I’m sorry, this is our family’s first kidnapping.”
“I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.”
“I don’t know if I ought to go sailin’ down no hill with nothin’ between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.”
“We’re all gonna have so much f*cking fun we’ll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles.”
“I’m gonna catch it in the coat, and smack it with a hammer.”
“You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.”
“I’m sorry, this is our family’s first kidnapping.”
“I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.”
“I don’t know if I ought to go sailin’ down no hill with nothin’ between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.”
“We’re all gonna have so much f*cking fun we’ll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles.”
“I’m gonna catch it in the coat, and smack it with a hammer.”
“You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.”
“I’m sorry, this is our family’s first kidnapping.”
“I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.”
“I don’t know if I ought to go sailin’ down no hill with nothin’ between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.”
“We’re all gonna have so much f*cking fun we’ll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles.”
“I’m gonna catch it in the coat, and smack it with a hammer.”
“You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.”
“I’m sorry, this is our family’s first kidnapping.”
“I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.”
“I don’t know if I ought to go sailin’ down no hill with nothin’ between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.”
“We’re all gonna have so much f*cking fun we’ll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles.”
“I’m gonna catch it in the coat, and smack it with a hammer.”
“You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.”
“I’m sorry, this is our family’s first kidnapping.”
“I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.”
“I don’t know if I ought to go sailin’ down no hill with nothin’ between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.”
“We’re all gonna have so much f*cking fun we’ll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles.”
“I’m gonna catch it in the coat, and smack it with a hammer.”
“You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.”
“I’m sorry, this is our family’s first kidnapping.”
“I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.”
“I don’t know if I ought to go sailin’ down no hill with nothin’ between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.”
“We’re all gonna have so much f*cking fun we’ll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles.”
“I’m gonna catch it in the coat, and smack it with a hammer.”
“You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.”
“I’m sorry, this is our family’s first kidnapping.”
“I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.”
“I don’t know if I ought to go sailin’ down no hill with nothin’ between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.”
“We’re all gonna have so much f*cking fun we’ll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles.”
“I’m gonna catch it in the coat, and smack it with a hammer.”